Yesterday, after I signed the boys up for Flag Football, I sent BM (and Husband) this e-mail:

I registered Oldest Stepson and Youngest Stepson to play Flag Football today.

Here is the information I have as of today:

-The first game is: X-X-XX.
-The coaches will call and notify the players of the scheduled practice days and times approximately three weeks prior to the first game. That would be around the week of X-X-XX.
-They put a note with the boys’ registration to put them on the same team.
-All the equipment is provided except for the shoes. I don’t know if Youngest Stepson’s shoes fit him or not, but Oldest Stepson will definitely need shoes.
-Parks and Rec says that only “One piece cleated football or soccer shoes are allowed, no steel tips, only nylon or rubber.”

BM, we will be out of town camping for the Labor Day weekend from August 28 until September 1. If a practice happens to be scheduled during that time, the boys won’t be attending.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Thanks,
Mrs. H

I really didn’t expect BM to reply, but this morning, I received this e-mail from her:

Mrs. H

First, than you for taking the time to register them. That was a big help and I know both boys are delighted.

I will make the proper adjustments to the schedule. Did you provide them with our contact information as well?

BM

In content, it seems pretty benign. However, for those of you who have dealt with situations like this before, I hope you recognize the giant trap in the last paragraph.

I will not be responding to this e-mail. We have always provided BM with every bit of information regarding the boys’ activities. When the coach contacts us, we contact her immediately and provide her with all relevant information. In every sport that Stepsons have played, there is always a parent meeting during which all important contact information is gathered. Once we have informed her of the meeting, it is BM’s responsibility to make this connection with the coaching staff.

That being said, I ALWAYS put BM and Stepdad’s name and phone number on the forms. The only time I didn’t was the one year that Oldest Stepson played hockey and BM lived in another state. Even then, we made sure she had access to the team website so she could keep up on what was going on.  

I will not engage like this. I know the e-mail is a trap to start some drama.

And I am duly annoyed by her feigned gratefulness, considering she made it as difficult as possible for me to accomplish this task—-a task she could have done herself. Not to mention her famous ambiguous “make adjustments to the schedule” type statements. Make what adjustments? The boys don’t live with you and wouldn’t see you during the time we are out of town anyway. Do you mean actually plan to be at the first game or in the same state during the weeks prior for practices?

Ick.

The bottom line is (and I suppose will always be) that she wants all the photo-ops without any of the work. 

I get the hee-bee-geebs whenever it comes time to sign Stepsons up for their sports. Without fail, there is always some drama that revolves around BM and her inability to work cooperatively.

This year is no exception.

On June 24, I e-mailed BM to let her know that I had picked up the registration forms for Flag Football and that I intended to sign the boys up soon. Youngest Stepson has played for the past three years and since Oldest Stepson has decided not to play hockey, we agreed to sign him up for Flag Football as well. A current physical is required for registration, so I asked BM if Stepdad could do it (because he is a doctor), or if I should just take the boys to our family doctor.

And the dance began.

BM’s first e-mail back to me (that day) said:

Please provide the required forms and I will schedule it with clinic’s clinic for next week in Chicago.

I two-stepped a message back to her that said:

I don’t have any forms.  In the past, we have given the Parks and Rec a standard physical form provided by the doctor’s office.

Let me know if this won’t be possible from Stepdad’s office and I will try and dig something up.

Every single time I make the mistake of asking her to take care of the physical, she pulls the same crap. There has yet to be a single sport that Stepsons have played that provide the physical form for the parents. Being a nurse, you would think she would be aware of the availability of these forms at the doctor’s office–and maybe she is; but this is her inevitable part of the dance where she has to add extra steps and force unnecessary communication.

So I left it at that.

Two weeks pass and I still don’t hear anything from her. The deadline for registration is drawing nearer, so finally on July 8 I send her an email:

….did you have an opportunity to get physicals for the boys? The deadline for flag football registration is coming up, and I want to make sure that the boys are signed up. Let me know if we need to take care of the physicals this weekend.

This e-mail was sent prior to the last weekend we would have the boys before the registration deadline. The only other time we would have the boys before the deadline was the following Wednesday, which happened to be Oldest Son’s birthday. There was no way I would have time to take them after we got them that day.

BM responded:

Football: When is the deadline for the physicals?

Does it really matter? It’s soon and since you are clearly not going to haul your skinny but down to the Parks and Recreation to sign them up, don’t you think you should get me the physical? (At least, that’s what I wanted to say). What I really said, was this:

As far as football goes, the registration deadline is July 23. A recent physical must be provided at the time of registration. If you won’t be able to get the boys physicals before next Wednesday, I will try to figure out something this weekend. Next Wednesday is the last time we see the boys before the deadline, but it is Oldest Son’s birthday and I will not have time to take them for a physical that day.

Just let me know before Friday whether or not you will be able to take care of this in the next week.

I sent this e-mail on a Wednesday evening. As you can imagine, there was no response from her. This is right about the time she went “dark” and started refusing to communicate with me. I always Bcc Husband on all the e-mails, but because he does not attend to the details of these matters, the details often escape him; which is why it is so frustrating when BM refuses to communicate with me directly. She has half a conversation with me, then shuts me out, talks to Husband who may not have the facts straight and then accuses us of lying to her.

On Friday, I asked Husband to ask her about the physicals when he picked up the boys. She did her best Waltz and claimed that she didn’t know when the deadline was, but if it was an emergency, she could get Stepdad to fax them over that weekend. 

Okay, remember the date in the e-mail I sent her?

Of course, she never had Stepdad fax them over and because we assumed that she was taking care of it, we never took the boys to get physicals that weekend. If I was smart, I would have just taken them to begin with, the copay would have been worth the lack of hassle. But, I always assume she’ll step up—because sometimes she does. The problem is, there is just no telling when those times will be.

Several nagging phone calls later, BM (who has since returned to Chicago with Stepsons) claims they have been mailed, but if we want Stepdad to e-mail it to us, she can arrange that.

Explain to me why Stepdad didn’t just e-mail it to us in the first place?

So yesterday (July 22), I finally received an e-mail from Stepdad with the physical forms. It was so kind of them to be timely with this information so that I had plenty of time to work a stop at the Parks and Recreation Building into my schedule. Granted, I’m not super-busy—but that’s not the point. I gave BM an entire month’s notice to get this done AND offered to do it myself. She chose to wait until the last possible second.

Part of me wonders if she thought we would let it go and that we wouldn’t get the boys signed up. Then she could tell the boys it was our fault. I try not to think too much like that these days, but sometimes it sneaks in. BM does not work during the Summer when the boys are with her, how hard would it have been to get this accomplished?

So, in the great dance of “Cooperation” with BM, we find ourselves once again dealing with a situation that became far more complicated than necessary. In true narcissistic form, BM’s need to control the situation and use it for whatever need she needed met, caused stress for me. 

I got the boys signed up today. The icing on the cake is that once football starts, I will have to choke back vomit as BM puts on her fine display of Super-Involved-Do-Everything-Mommy for all the other parents. 

But you and I know the truth.

In the car he cried, “Nicken Nuggets! Fwensch Fwies!”

It honestly was easiest to stop at McDonald’s and get him some. I guess he only made it through half of what he intended when sleep overcame him.

Only in the tender years of the beginning of our life and the waning years of the end, is it truly acceptable to pass out at the table. It’s cute. We take pictures of it; and they are much better to look at than those ones from college where we didn’t exactly intend to pass out.

But I digress (ask my best friend from college about the prickly mat in our house)….

The best part of this picture is the lone fry on the table.

So I put it to you, the bored and creative–write an “Ode to the Fry”.

Here’s my best shot (and it’s really not good):

There once was a McDonald’s Fry
That was uneaten by my little guy
It sat all alone
While he slept in the “Zone”
I hope it didn’t make it cry

Yeah, it’s a slow day around here; but I much prefer it to the usual craziness!

Happy Tuesday!

All too often, people throw around the word “friend” without regard for its true meaning. According to the Oxford American Dictionary, “friend” is defined as “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” It is also defined as, “a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side.“

When thinking about the definitions of this word, it is easy to see where many people misuse it. The thing that strikes me the most is how “mutual affection” is a defining factor. So often, we hear people talk about how they are a “friend” to someone who is not a “friend” to them. While I believe it is possible to be “friendly” to someone who is unkind to you, it goes against reason to suggest that what results out of one-sided kindness is “friendship.”

Most women who find themselves in the position of having to share parenting with another woman, think about the concept of friendship frequently. Some think of it in terms of how to achieve a friendship with the other woman, and some think of it in terms of how hell would freeze over before they were friends with “that woman.” Regardless of which fence you’re on (or if you’re somewhere in the middle), meaningful contemplation of “friendship” often enters into the fray.

I have made a concerted effort as of late (as the reader may know) to be friendly to BM. I do not want, nor have I ever wanted, a friendship with her. I don’t think it is possible. I think she is someone who is not capable of having friends. This particular fact is actually what makes it easier for me to be friendly towards her. What a sad thing to be so self-involved as to not be capable of true friendship. BM gets caught big-time in the “mutual” part of the whole thing. She can only be giving of herself when it benefits her, and those times when you need to be giving to support someone else (at no benefit for yourself) she falls flat.

In a previous post, I commented that I think it would be inappropriate for Husband to be friends with BM, but that it is not inappropriate for me to. Now, keeping in mind that I don’t want to be friends with BM, let me explain. Whenever there is or was a sexual component to a relationship, it completely changes the dynamic of that relationship. Years ago, while in the midst of a break-up, I remember telling an ex-boyfriend that despite his wish to remain friends, it wasn’t possible. The sexual component truly changes everything. This doesn’t mean I fear that Husband would leave me for BM, it means that while their relationship may have hosted a friendship, it was about something else all together. 

I don’t believe that it is respectful for two people who are involved in a sexual relationship (hopefully a marriage) to keep in close, affectionate contact with a former partner. Any kind of relationship like that undermines the current relationship. Now that being said, once two people have children together, they become connected to those children and in effect, become family (for better or worse). The nature of a family-type relationship is different. Whether we like someone in our family or not, we try to treat them with respect because of the fact that they are connected to us by people we love.

Sometimes we are very close with family members, and other times we simply tolerate their presence. Occasionally, we outright hate them and avoid any situations where we are in the same vicinity. If you think about it, many divorce situations where children are involved are very much like our families. The hardest part of these situations being that there is a bond that cannot be broken. Man, is that hard!

Friendship holds no such bonds and is given entirely at the will of the participants. This, in and of itself, is why I would be deeply hurt if Husband chose to be friends with BM. After all that they have been through, and all that she has put this family through, if he chose to be close to her, I would feel betrayed. That is not to say that I don’t expect him to be friendly to her. He is a good person and I would expect decent behavior out of him; but to seek a connection beyond what courtesy dictates would really tear at the fabric of our relationship.

Yesterday, when I went to pick up Stepsons from BM, she came out to the car with the boys. I was a bit surprised to see her coming (and gave myself the inner pep talk while they were walking towards the car) considering she has spent the better part of two weeks pretending I don’t exist. As the boys got into the car, she handed me a stack of about 100 pictures. The stack contained pictures of Husband’s trip to Cabo San Lucas with his brother and friend. This trip took place over 11 years ago. BM commented on how it would really bring back some memories for Husband.

Occasionally, Husband would comment on how he couldn’t find the pictures from this trip. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that BM would still have them. All I could think was, “Why?” They have been divorced for almost 8 years and she has moved no less than three times, so she had to have run across them before now. Why didn’t she give them back to Husband before OR throw them out?

When Husband and I moved into our first home, we didn’t clean out his apartment, we simply threw stuff in boxes and moved them. Upon unpacking, I found BM’s wedding dress.

That’s right. Her wedding dress.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why Husband ended up with this in his move back to Michigan, but there it was. There were some other things that were hers, and the first time she came to visit the boys after we moved, they were given to her. So I can understand how, in the beginning, stuff like this happens. But 8 years and three moves later?

This morning, BM sent Husband an e-mail asking if I had given him the pictures. She also included a few sentences intended to walk down memory lane with him about that trip (even though she didn’t go). It turned my stomach. While I don’t deny Husband’s past with her (it made him who he is), I have a problem with BM using that past to connect with him now. Ultimately, it will all be in vain because Husband has no desire to connect with her; but as his wife, it is hard for me not to get my feathers in a ruffle and a bit territorial when she does stuff like this.

The bottom line is this, when they got divorced, any bit of friendship that existed evaporated with the divorce decree. While I believe it is important that they maintain a family-type relationship that is good in nature, I don’t think that they should be connecting on any other level. It is simply disrespectful to our marriage, much in the way that my friendship with an ex-boyfriend would be disrespectful.

Even though my stepsons did not choose me, my marriage is the foundation on which their father’s family is built. It is the rock for them and their brothers. While I understand that none of these situations is cut and dry—and that ultimately our relationships need to function in a way that best fits the needs of our individual families—I believe that we tread in dangerous waters when we have close, affectionate relationships with former partners.

I would have never thought that my blog would be a place for biological mothers to seek advice about the stepmoms in their lives. Not that I am trying to bash all biological mothers, I have state repeatedly that my gripe is with one in particular, but it is still a wonderful byproduct of something that is nothing more than a self-healing project.

I am actually really honored. 

Another biological mother has left a comment on my blog. Just like Amy, her words struck me, and I feel compelled to write a post about it. There isn’t much that I will write that I haven’t written about before, but maybe it will come across in a new way that will help to solidify my perspective.

I am both a stepmother and a biological mother. While I am not a divorced mother, I can related to some of the feelings that a divorced mother may have, because I have brought children into this world.

Nothing has brought me more angry comments and viciousness, than the fact that I let the reader know that my stepsons call me “Mom.” I totally understand the passion behind these comments, but often disagree with the reasoning.

In Brandi’s situation, it appears that not only is BM trying to usurp the title, she is also trying to confuse a very young child about the nature of his origins. Based on what I have read in her comment (left here, on this post), the naming of the stepmother as “Mommy” is the least of the issues. 

Clearly, the BD and SM are engaging in the most severe form of Parental Alienation. While I respect that Brandi wishes to engage in shared parenting (the best thing for her son), it is clear that this situation is not as it is intended to be. While there are many things that we all have to endure as a product of the situation—because no two households parent alike—we should never have to endure willful alienation.

In my situation, Stepsons began calling me “Mom” when they were 7 and 8 years old. At that time, Husband and I had been together for three years and Stepsons had been living with us an overwhelming majority of the time. BM lived in another state and only saw the boys once a month and for holidays. I was pregnant with my oldest son and one day the subject of what my son would call me came up. At that time, Stepsons chose to call me “Mom” as well. Not, “Mommy” or “Mama” (a title reserved for the littlest of children to bestow on their mother), but “Mom.”

I call my best friend’s mother “Mom” and my mother-in-law “Mom.” In both of these situations, as in ours, this is a title of respect. It is not a vehicle for confusion, and in my case, it is acknowledgment of the role I play in our house.

When Stepsons were very young, they called me by my first name. During that time, they were confused about whose tummy they came from—even asking me about it specifically one day. The name wasn’t what confused them, the fact that I was there everyday taking care of them and the woman they knew as “Mommy” wasn’t, confused them as to who their mother was. I was kind and direct and explained to them that they came from BM’s tummy. Why would I lie?

Flash forward to four years ago, Stepsons were facing a major change in their lives. Life had revolved exclusively around them for the past eight years and sharing it with a brother was a big deal. Further, by this time, they were acutely aware of the anatomy of their situation, and I suspect while they know full well who their biological parents are, when it comes to being a part of our home they don’t want to draw such a big line on a day to day basis. So they chose to start calling me “Mom.”

As could be expected, BM does not react well to this. When we discuss it with Stepsons, they calmly express their confusion over her anger. They both assure us (and probably her) that they know who their “real mom” is and they don’t understand why calling me “Mom” would anger her. I request that they call me by my first name when they are around her (and when all of us are together) so as to not cause any problems. Interestingly enough, she seems to have recently given up this particular crusade because Stepsons have been dropping the “Mom Bomb” quite frequently in her presence.

So back to the situation with Brandi: there is a significant difference between using this title as a form of manipulation towards Parental Alienation and using the title to accord respect. I don’t think many here (if any) would think that what the stepmother in her situation is doing is okay. I would even go so far as to say that I personally would not sit idly by and watch this happen. There are situations where shared parenting is not appropriate (to be determined by a whole host of facts) and if the Parental Alienation is as severe as it seems, repeated exposure to it is not in the child’s best interests. 

I am looking forward to reading what everyone has to say about this. I know that this topic can be a heated one, so please think about your comments carefully before posting. Any hate-speech will be deleted.

I know why BM doesn’t like me. Really.

I think there are a lot of reasons that in her mind, are really good ones. And honestly, to some extent I can understand where she is coming from. Many of her feelings are pretty natural ones. But as I have stated before, there are many instances where things that are “natural” are not good or the right thing to do.

One of my favorite talk radio hosts, Dennis Prager, speaks about this often. There are many times in which we need to fight our emotional, natural response to something, in order to do the right thing and be a good person.

Let’s start with my first offense: I fell in love with someone that she couldn’t love anymore. Now, given what I know about my husband’s past with her, I wonder if she ever loved him. I think there are many times in our lives when we think what we are feeling is love, but it isn’t until we find true love, that we realize what we thought was love before, wasn’t. There are times that I think we convince ourselves that we love someone because we really do want to love them. There may be something about them that fulfills some need in us. But wanting to love someone and actually being in love with someone are two different things. I would even go so far as to say that you can’t experience true love unless it is absolutely mutual.

I think that whatever BM felt for husband may have been strong at one time; but it wasn’t love. I suppose that she really wanted to love him, and even though she made the decision at some point not to be married to him anymore, she also wanted to believe that he loved her so much that he would never be over her. I think we all feel like that at one point or another about ex-partners. No matter how ready we are for things to end, we aren’t necessarily ready for our ex-partner to move on.

If you look at BM’s choices during the time she left Husband, it is clear that she was unprepared to be a parent. I believe that she would have been perfectly content to be a peripheral fixture in her sons’ lives as long as Husband remained a single parent and capitulated to whatever her latest whim was. Maybe at some point, she would have grown up and been responsible for her children, but it is hard to separate what might have happened from what did.

What happened was that Husband met me, and I was willing to help him raise his sons. He is an amazing father, and I knew that some of what I loved about him was this role. It seemed natural then that my future with him would include his boys. I didn’t know what that future would hold, but at the time that I met Husband, BM was minimally involved.

To that end, my second offense was wanting to help raise her children when she was not ready for that responsibility herself. Nothing grates on someone more than seeing someone do something we don’t want to do—and doing it well with a lot of enthusiasm. Add to that the whole host of emotions involved with the idea of your children living with another woman, and I am sure that drove BM nuts. I’m not sure that I would feel that differently. My kids could be staying with Mary Poppins and I am sure I would think she was the devil.

People with her particular mental disposition make a career out of projection. I am certain that all of her worst qualities are seen through her eyes in me. I don’t pretend to be perfect and I know that when I handle things less than textbook, I am feeding her paranoia.

It really is a Catch-22 when it comes to being a good Stepmom. If you are bad at it, every little thing you do is criticized and used as a weapon against your husband. If you do your best to take care of your stepchildren, and even grow to love them, you risk igniting a hidden insecurity within the biological mother over the kind of mother that she is. As a biological mother, I can tell you that there are days that I feel deeply insecure over the choices I make for my children. I would find it tremendously difficult to watch another woman do a good job of parenting my kids. 

Still, at some point, we need to divorce (pardon my use of this word) ourselves from our emotions. While these feelings may be “natural”, acting upon them certainly is not right. I have no doubt in my mind that BM lives every single day with a troubled heart, wondering if the choices she has made were the right ones. While I am certain that her mental illness prevents her from assuming any responsibility for those choices, I do believe that the path she has chosen troubles her greatly. But no matter her emotional state, she has a responsibility as a mother to do what is best for her kids, and she has a responsibility as a human being to be decent to others.

Unfortunately, BM has a long way to go in terms of emotional maturity. It is not only the gravity of the divorce situation that plagues her; her mental illness coupled with her extremely immature emotional state makes it a crap-shoot as to whether or not we will be able to deal with her on any normal level. As far as her relationship with me, her issues make our relationship much like one of the preteen years—subject to misinterpretations and jealous fits. 

One day, I hope we will all rise above it all. I wonder what the future holds and what my place in it will be. Whatever God chooses to send our way, I hope it contains some peace.

Thank you all for your comments.

Let me just say that there are no expectations on my end, other than expecting her to make it difficult as usual. I gave up long ago thinking that she was capable of doing the right thing on a consistent basis; her mental illness simply does not allow for it.

But even with no expectations, I still get mad about things–much in the same way that you get angry about a stranger who cuts you off or a clerk who is rude to you. We typically don’t carry any expectations for those people beyond common courtesy and it can be maddening when we don’t receive it.

If there is one thing the years have taught me, it is to always have a “Plan B” if BM is involved in any way. I can assure you that I would never hinge family plans on her will. We have, and will continue to make requests that we believe are reasonable, but we learned long ago that we can’t depend on anything with regards to her. We couldn’t even depend on or predict when she was going to be mad about something—times when we completely expected her to blow a gasket she was “normal” and other times when there was nothing to be mad about, she’s lost it. When you deal with someone whose mental health prevents them from dealing with the world and reality in a normal way, this is how life is.

As one might be able to tell from my posts, I am the Queen of Organization in my house. I have a color-coded calendar on my laptop (that syncs to my iPhone). I managed to keep track of all of our schedules. I handle making appointments and scheduling of events. It’s just what I do. Some people are hardwired to be that way, and that’s me. Husband is the total opposite, but that’s okay. 

Part of my effort to improve things with BM stemmed from my frustration of always having to go through Husband to get scheduling done. It is true that it is his responsibility to deal with BM, but it is my job in our house to manage the schedules, and because Stepsons live with us, that means their schedules too. I grew tired of having to explain things to Husband who would in turn contact BM who misunderstands things so often I wonder if it is on purpose. At one point, I turned to using Husband’s e-mail to contact her (from him) just so the information didn’t get watered down.

Thankfully, the past year has been different and it has been much easier to communicate directly with her about things. No major parenting decisions are made in these exchanges, we simply manage the schedule and try to coordinate things when there is an overlap.

So, when I contacted BM about the party this weekend for my sister and the fact that I needed the sports physicals for the boys, so I could register them for football, I was doing things as usual. BM must be on one of her “down” swings of her bipolar disorder, because she has decided this week to pretend I don’t exist. When I picked up the boys on Wednesday for visitation, she hid in her house. Most times, she walks outside with them to say goodbye, in a sickening display of “Mommy loves you” (like they’re leaving her for months).

While I welcome any opportunity not to witness this, I am annoyed by her continued ignoring of my e-mails. To make matters worse, she called Husband’s phone this morning to discuss things with him. In the voicemail she left she said she wanted to talk to him about this weekend and was wondering if she needed her husband to fax the boys physicals this weekend because she wasn’t sure when the deadline was.

*ARRRRRGH!*

I sent her specific information two days ago regarding the registration deadline. She couldn’t even be bothered to tell me that the boys actually had physicals. Before she left the voicemail this morning, I was scrambling to find a way to get them done this weekend. 

This isn’t a BM/SM thing, this is a basic courtesy thing. Whenever she is not feeling good about herself, she always acts like I don’t exist or have a role in this whole crazy thing. The only thing that is going to happen when Husband calls her back is that I am going to stand next to him and talk to her through him. Husband, God Bless him, doesn’t keep track of all the ins and outs of how are schedule works.

So despite a very nice bike ride this morning (before the storms rolled in), I am in kind of a foul mood. I was over the nonsense of yesterday until it extended into today. The thing is, I should know better, it is always like this every summer.

(On a happier, unrelated note: I am going to be an aunt for the first time this December! And my fabulous sister is finally gracing our family with a little girl!)

So, there are a few reasons for my need to vent.

First, while I generally try to give the average stranger the benefit of the doubt and be the person who says, “No, you go ahead” when faced with a stop sign, I am increasingly annoyed with just how darned rude people are. I think it is reasonable to expect that while I am driving down the aisle in the parking lot at the grocery store, that the woman driving her PT Loser across the parking spaces will yield instead of driving in front of me. No such luck.

As it happens, by the time I encountered this fine specimen at the grocery store this evening, I was already in a rank mood due to some stuff with BM.

I have truly come to realize that BM isn’t all that unlike many people today. She certainly is among the throngs of people who think that their needs are more important than manners or courtesy. Manners and courtesy are for everyone else and are to only be used in servicing whatever said person needs.

Still, these types of attitudes can grate on your nerves more when the lack of consideration effects you more closely than a jerk in a grocery store parking lot.

—–

When Oldest Stepson was about 5 or 6 years old, he had a baby tooth that needed to be extracted. The tooth had rotted as a result (says the dentist) of antibiotic use in infancy. Supposedly, this was a fairly common thing. Regardless, it was incredibly traumatic that Oldest Stepson’s first experience with a dentist was a tooth extraction. To this day, he FREAKS whenever anything has to be done with his teeth. The trips to the orthodontist (especially the removal of his palate expander) are quite the drama.

Of course, BM wasn’t around when Oldest Stepson had to have this tooth extracted–or his palate expander removed. Due to my husband’s work schedule, the duties of doctor’s appointments often fall in my lap. It wasn’t that big of a deal until I started having babies and had to bring them along to the appointments. These days, I find a particular type of loathing for anything that involves me taking all four kids anywhere, especially someplace where there is a small enclosed space with other people who are easily annoyed.

A couple weeks ago, I took Stepsons for their 6 month dental cleaning and check-up. Anytime there is any issue, it seems to be with Oldest Stepson, that poor kid just has bad dental karma. So, when the dentist called me back into the exam room, I held my breath, because I knew it wouldn’t be good. The dentist showed me where a permanent tooth was trying to come in, but a baby tooth wasn’t budging. There were two options, Oldest Stepson could wiggle it out, or it had to be pulled. I could see the panic in Oldest Stepson’s eyes.

Every single time I take the boys to any type of medical appointment, the first thing I do upon getting home is send an e-mail to BM with all the details. Most of the time it is a benign e-mail informing her that the boys had their teeth cleaned and everything is fine. The point is, she is informed of EVERYTHING. I just can’t imagine not letting her know. 

When I told BM about the tooth situation, she said Oldest Stepson would probably get it out, but if not she would take him to the dentist. There really wasn’t any other option because we don’t have Stepsons very much during the summer and the dentist said the tooth had to be out within two weeks.

Truthfully, since Stepsons haven’t been home, I forgot about it. BM said she would take care of it and I guess I just pushed it out of my mind. BM has never been to a single dentist appointment, but I provided her with the contact information and left it at that.

I was thoroughly shocked when Husband picked up Stepsons this evening and Oldest Stepson showed me that his tooth was gone. Shocked because BM followed through on something, but angry that we hadn’t been told about it. Apparently, BM took Oldest Stepson to our dentist yesterday and had the tooth extracted. Now, we don’t call the boys every day when they are with her (I’ve talked about this before) so we had NO IDEA that this had been done.

This goes beyond a routine cleaning. Youngest Stepson was describing how bad Oldest Stepson was crying because he was so scared. I am so pissed that we didn’t know about it—because you better well believe we would have called to see if he was okay. We didn’t even receive an e-mail informing us the procedure had taken place.

*huff*

Adding to my irritation with BM, is her sudden aversion to effective communication. I had sent her an e-mail on Wednesday regarding a couple of things that I needed to know about this weekend. I asked if she was planning on returning to Chicago on Sunday after the boys come back to her because we have family plans that could be impacted by that. She said at this point, she was planning on returning to Chicago after the boys were dropped off.

My sister’s birthday is Sunday and she is having a barbecue. My sister lives an hour closer to Chicago than we do, so I asked BM if she would be willing to pick up the boys at my sister’s, rather than us having to leave the party early to drive to BM’s house and have her turn around and leave from there. It’s a Win-Win for both of us.

I also needed to know if she had taken care of the boys’ sports physicals yet, because if she hadn’t, I needed to do it this weekend. We don’t see the boys again before the registration deadline and if we are going to take care of this, it has to be this weekend.

I haven’t heard a peep from her.

I asked Husband to ask her about Sunday when he picked up the boys tonight. She responded that she didn’t know what she was doing because gas was so expensive and she would just have to turn around and come back here for Husband to have his visitation on Wednesday. (She didn’t realize she would have to be back for Wednesday).

All of it is such crap. First of all, if money for gas were such a concern, then she wouldn’t have dropped the $45 on the video game she bought Oldest Stepson after he had his tooth pulled. Secondly, Wednesday visitation has been a part of the court order for years, feigning surprise over this particular detail is ridiculous. And I take particular exception to BM’s insinuation that Husband wanting to exercise his summer visitation (something he went without for years) somehow is the true source of burden on the boys, rather than her choice to live in another state than her husband and make the boys commute.

So I find myself pretty miffed this evening. I told my sister yesterday that I anticipated there being an issue with Sunday. BM has such a hard time doing anything that will be convenient for us, EVEN IF it means it is also more convenient for her. Plus, for some reason, when she is in more of a control position (like she is in the summer), she gets her panties in an extra-big wad about everything.

The whole issue with the tooth extraction and her complete lack of communication when the boys are with her, are stark reminders to both Husband and I of why things would be worse with a 50/50 custody situation or with her being the primary custodian. It is likely that she is simply incapable of the kind of freaky organization that I possess, but it is also evident that her narcissism prevents her from being forthright about the kinds of things she needs to be to keep us in the loop.

I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning, and I already feel better having shared my frustrations with you.

Today, a biological mother left some comments on my blog. Her comments really got me thinking, so I sent her an e-mail. Here is the exchange between Amy and I:

Dear Amy,

Thank you for taking the time to read my words and leave a few comments on my blog. You sound like a reasonable person. You also sound like you are just trying to make sense of your world and continue to make good choices for your son in the face of adversity. That is exactly where I am at as a stepmom.

I did nothing “immoral” or “wrong” in regards to my relationship with my husband. I met him after his divorce and while dating him, tried to maintain the utmost propriety out of regard for his children. They were quite young when we met (3 and 4 years old) and didn’t remember a family life with their biological parents together. Every major decision we have made, we have made around the best interest of his boys. From when we got married, to when we had children together, every decision was calculated with the needs of my stepsons in mind.

The one thing we have never been able to control is his ex-wife. There is no formula for who will be the unreasonable one in these situations. In our case, it is his ex-wife, but I have met many people that have very different situations. Sometimes it is an unreasonable ex-husband or a stepmom who quite clearly oversteps her bounds. In each situation, the people are dealing with a whole host of emotions that can be quite debilitating.

For my part, a year after husband and I were married, I suffered from Depression. Not only was I not prepared for married life and becoming an instant parent, I was completely unprepared for the war waged on us because my husband dared to move on after his ex left him and the boys.

The world is unfair. In fact, it is so unfair that I don’t even know that I possess a sense of what is fair and what isn’t. All I know is that God truly never gives us more than we can handle. If we are willing to open our hearts and our minds to His will, good things happen. The last thing on the face of the planet I wanted to do was open myself up to BM. But I had to listen to God’s calling. It is a struggle every single day to continue to be kindhearted to a woman who has wrought so much pain upon us. But the alternative was no better. One day I realized that I was just as miserable as she is and I refused to live my life that way.

I don’t believe in any magical answer to fix contentious situations. I also don’t believe that when we try to make someone like us, it ever works. What I do believe is that if we give of ourselves, even when it is not deserved on the other end, our lives become much better. A great case could be made that every hardship BM is now enduring with her husband’s illness is a result of Karma. My husband and I could sit back and go, “Ah Ha!”, or we could do what we have chosen to do and show compassion for her. To be sure, she doesn’t “deserve” it, but would it make us better people to kick her while she is down?

The first step I took in coming to this place where I could be kind to BM is to take a step back. I spent the better part of the year communicating with her very little. My husband and I limited all interactions to what was absolutely necessary. This greatly reduced the number of conflicts and allowed us time to heal some. It is difficult to separate oneself from the strong emotions that surround our family lives. Sometimes it is necessary to limit interaction so we can make decisions from a place that is not so emotion-driven.

I hope this e-mail helps. If you don’t mind, I would like to post this e-mail on my blog in response to your comments, I think it will open up a good discussion. But, I will wait to hear back from you to see if this is okay.

Sincerely,
Mrs. H

—————-

Mrs. H,

Thank you so much for your response.  It is hard.  You are welcome to post  the e-mail that would be fine.

I think the hardest part is having to sit back knowing that we all care about someone very special, but have absolutely no control over how the other household behaves.  I have tried so hard to make her feel welcome, but I suppose I haven’t listened that she doesn’t want to feel welcome. She wants her household and her family; which would be fine if I wasn’t involved, but I always have been and always will be.  I know she cares about our son, but I wish she would just give him time.  Both her and his dad want an instant bond with our son and like it or not, he is like me, and needs time.  Being a step-mom, what would you need from a BM?  If you could have a perfect step-family world what would it look like and how do think we could get there?  Will all the kindness in the world really work or am I destined to be met with a brick wall.  For what it is worth, I respect you just for talking about the life of a step-mom, I hope it has been helpful for you.  Thanks for listening.

Amy

—————–

Amy,

I can imagine that it has to be hard for you. My husband and I have two children together and I get very territorial even when they are at Grandma’s. It is so difficult to wrap my mind around having to “share” them with someone not of my choosing. If I get mad about how Grandma handled something, I can always restrict the time my children spend with her; that isn’t an option when the other party is a parent and their significant other.

My husband really struggled with the “parenting” occurring at his ex’s house. It seemed that her only plan for parenting was to do the exact opposite of what husband was doing. It really ate at him. However, there came a point where we realized that fretting over the situation at her house did little to help. All it did was make it more tense here. So, we HAD to let it go.

Truthfully, BM’s bad parenting has made us better parents. I suspect that my husband and I communicate more than most people do about parenting decisions. Our sons have benefited greatly from our frustration over BM’s choices.

In the end, since my stepsons spend a majority of the time with us (and my husband was a stay at home Dad for a little bit prior to the divorce), our influence will have greater bearing. While their time with their mom is important, I suspect that it is more about personal bonding than about child rearing. A great deal of what Stepsons learn about life comes from us and the example we set in our home. Just like any kids, the tighter we try to hold on and control things, the more they will push away. It is important for us to explain why we believe something and then leave it at that.

As parents (step or otherwise) it is important to believe that your children are intelligent and capable of assessing situations. While they may not fully understand the inner workings of something, they understand right and wrong at a very young age. Showing a strong example of right and wrong in our home and then having BM contradict that may be somewhat confusing, but in the end, all it does is force the kids to make sense of the world a little earlier than they may have otherwise. AND at some point, they will accept that their parents aren’t perfect—-but it is okay to love them anyway.

Many stepmoms make the mistake of “forcing” a bond with the stepchildren. I would guess it is out of a feeling of inferiority. When you find someone you truly love you want to be a close part of all that is important to them. There is nothing of greater importance than our children. Unfortunately, it is hard to see the bigger picture when “pushing” these relationships, because we can be so blinded by our own insecurities. I suppose many of us also are pushing for a good relationship right out of the gate because we are so afraid of being cast the “evil stepmom.”

If there is one thing that I could change about my situation to make it more ideal, it would be for BM to demonstrate a little bit more respect for our family time. As a mother I understand the desire to want to be a part of everything that our children do. When my boys are at Grandma’s I call several times a day just to see how they are doing and to hear their voices. Grandma puts up with it because she is just happy to have them there. There are different dynamics at play in divorce situations. Each party is doing their best to form a “family” out of the shards that once held one together.

Even though I chose to marry a divorced man, I did not choose to share my life with another woman. It, truthfully, has been the hardest part of this whole stepmom gig. The loss of privacy has been extremely difficult. I would love to have one vacation where BM didn’t call everyday. Or celebrate a holiday where her phone calls didn’t solicit a detailed itinerary of our entire celebration. 

All that aside, things have been okay. Respectful tolerance of each other’s participation at activities has gone a long way towards easing some of Stepsons’ stress.

I wish you all the best….

I would love to hear the thoughts of those who visit this blog. Please, give Amy and I some input….

Before I met my husband, my dating life was fairly normal.  I would meet someone, go out on a date, maybe another.  I had one real relationship before I met the man I eventually married.  I dated this person on and off for about two years.  It wasn’t a good relationship, only because he wasn’t the right man for me.  We had been friends before we dated, and it should have stayed that way.

Still, as imperfect as that relationship was, nobody ever question my motives for dating him. We broke up, I moved on, and through God’s grace, I met Husband.

Almost from the beginning, people questioned why I would want to date Husband. Now, I know that his friends and family were very protective—his divorce was hard on him, but I was astounded at how critical people were of me. I know that their attitude was from a place of love and concern for Husband, but I was very saddened by it all.  If they could see what an amazing guy he is, why was it so hard to believe that I could too?

The people that truly were Husband’s real friends came around, and the ones that didn’t are no longer of importance to him.  Now that I have the ability to look back on those days with a more critical eye, I realize that dealing with this kind of third party judgmental behavior, was just a prelude to my life as a stepmom.

To be sure, there are bad people in the world. Some of them are stepmoms. Some of them are moms. Neither role predisposes itself to ensuring that the person filling those particular shoes will be bad or good. But if we are being honest, stepmoms are far more criticized and placed under suspicion than moms are.

People always want to know what a stepmom’s “angle” is.

I believe there are a few reasons for this. First, it is not natural to actively participate in the raising of someone else’s children. Sometimes tragedy necessitates this, and when it does, we are far more able to rise to the challenge—especially if that child is of blood relation, like a niece or a nephew. Not only is it not natural, it can be incredibly painful. I can honestly say that nothing has tested me more as a human being than my life as a stepmom. The vast majority of time that I spend thinking about how to better myself as a person, revolves around my role as a stepmom.

Second, even though divorce has started to become somewhat of an accepted part of our culture, I believe that divorced individuals still wear somewhat of a Scarlet Letter. While we can accept that our neighbor or fellow church member is divorced, we don’t exactly want our daughter to marry him. Further, why would our daughter want to marry him? Why wouldn’t she want to start with a “clean slate”?

Third, since infidelity seems to have become the shining example of the rich and famous, it becomes the hidden suspicion of every person who comes into contact with Wife #2 that she was “the other woman.” I know many people who are divorced for a variety of reasons—none of which include infidelity; but it satisfies our sensational minds better to think that most marriages end because of some sexual trist by one partner or another. I hate having to endure the sideways glances of the new people that we meet, wondering if I was the reason that poor Stepsons come from a broken home.

I know that many people look at our marriage from the outside and wonder why I decided to marry a divorced, bankrupt man with two kids. What’s in it for me? If Husband hadn’t been divorced or had children, nobody would have ever thought to ask that question—but because he is, they do. 

Other stepmom blogs, as well as mine, like to discuss the pressures of stepparenting and how this affects their lives. It is a crucial component to who we are. However, what rarely ever gets discussed, and what is just as important, is the weight of third party (including BM) scrutinization of stepmoms. Scrutiny of their motives and of them as people.

All you have to do is read through the comments on my blog or other blogs to see the veracity of this. A normal day when I write about my feelings on this or that, can draw comments accusing me of martyrdom or hatred or bitterness. Somehow, my feelings are more suspect because I am the stepmom. If I express displeasure about something, I must be bitter. If I express happiness about something, I must be selfish. If I criticize BM, I must have an inflated sense of importance, because who the hell do I think I am—I’m only the stepmother.

Forget the pressures of having four children in your home. Forget the drain on your finances or the emotional toll of legal battles. The thing that often weighs most heavily on the hearts of stepmoms is how society treats them. Despite the fact that a good number of these wonderful women do a pretty bang-up job of helping their husbands raise children that are not related to them, they are still treated as second-class citizens. Citizens, whose every move is cast with suspicion as to “what’s in it for them.”

I started feeling better about myself as a stepmom when I stopped letting these third party judgments really get to me. Anyone who thinks that way really has no clue what Husband and I are all about. Still, it can get to me, and I often think about all my online stepmom friends who I am sure go through the same thing.

This blog isn’t a self-help page or a textbook diagram of a stepmom. It’s just my thoughts and deeds, in all their imperfect glory. You won’t find answers here. And if you’re looking for an “angle”……

Well, I don’t have one. 

Maybe my life would be a little bit more interesting to the reader if I was some spiteful, evil stepmother.Or even some selfless Mother Theresa-type giving of her everything to her husband’s first life. Unfortunately, I’m neither of those things—I don’t even look like a big-boobed trophy wife. I’m just a girl who happened to fall in love with a guy that had a little bit more of a past than most of us. And, I love him enough to accept that past as part of our future together.

There is no sainthood, martyrdom or evil plan. There’s just us, trying to figure out how to make it day to day.